I was right, all along.

There is something, someone, removed from me.

It was one of the best I ever quoted from a novel. Haruki Murakami was so exquisitely pinpoint on his descriptions of solitude, lost love, and the sickness that followed.

Although in my case, the resentment and dread was perhaps the core of my suffering. Whilst his protagonist, or other people in general, did not have much symptom of ill-will resulted from lost loves, my empty feelings kept betraying me in front of girls with interests, though I honestly could not care less.

My indifference was not a result of homosexuality, since I am yet to find a man of a least degree of attraction, but it is not my intention to defend that point anyway.

When my ex-girlfriend finally gave me up for good, she realized how much potential she might have by using her feminine power to manipulate men. I find, ironically, that power was perhaps the reason that she repels me, for it is simply disgusting to use your admirers’ insecurity to quench your own. As I said, maybe that is why I lost interest in women in general.

Truthfully, I doubted my own comment that love and sex should exist separately. However when I look at the world around me, those absolutely certain and satisfied with their love are literally non-existent. If love cannot be realized in its entirety, then what is even the point of ever finding a “match”? Would you settle for a MacBook Pro, instead of a MacBook? God help you when MacBook Air arrives.

Another quote from an excellent piece of art: we all choose the love we think we deserve. Therefore, instead of actively seeking love in vain, I feel blessed now to have the courage to wait in vain, watching my friends tiredly chasing their elusive loves, and amuse myself with their pity of not getting, or, for fewer times, their regret of ever getting.

The best 3 known virtues: common sense, wisdom, and patience.

While ignorance averts the first two, it is also a blessing since it sets free a man from overthinking. But to try patience, it leaves us with the worst torture of all – delay.

Besides Life of Pi I watched today, here’s a list of all the movies I watched in 2012, number indicates box office ranking

1 Marvel’s The Avengers
2 The Dark Knight Rises
3 The Hunger Games
4 The Amazing Spider-Man
9 MIB 3
13 21 Jump Street
14 Taken 2
15 Prometheus
16 Safe House
19 The Bourne Legacy
22 Skyfall
24 The Expendables 2
25 Wrath of the Titans
26 Argo
27 Dark Shadows
31 Contraband
33 Battleship
36 Looper
42 Titanic 3D
51 The Grey
58 Savages (2012)
68 End of Watch
71 Lawless
90 Cloud Atlas
93 The Secret World of Arrietty
95 Man on a Ledge

My fav is almost on the bottom of the list:

Cloud Atlas, a epic saga about slavery, rebellion, and how everyone is connected across different time and space, costing 100 million dollars in production, is off the screens now and only managed to attain 20 million in box office.

The co-directors of this movie are Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski, directors of the Matrix Trilogy and V for Vendetta

Besides Cloud Atlas, I watched 3 other movies from the lead director Tom Tykwer:

Run Lola Run
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
The International

While all are great movies, I also strongly recommend The International (2009), an hugely overlooked masterpiece about global organized conspiracy, following a detective’s eyes into the elusive evils conducted by a reputable global institution manipulating government and people.

Despite of its failure in US, and even though the director’s films are more often overlooked than not, I believe Cloud Atlas is gonna explode in Asia

“Seven times I have despised my soul:
The first time when I saw her being meek that she might attain height.
The second time when I saw her limping before the crippled.
The third time when she was given to choose between the hard and the easy, and she chose the easy.
The fourth time when she committed a wrong, and comforted herself that others also commit wrong.
The fifth time when she forbode for weakness, and attributed her patience to strength.
The sixth time when she despised the ugliness of a face, and knew not that it was one of her own masks.
And the seventh time when she sang a song of praise, and deemed it a virtue.”

― Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam

我要买一架古钢琴
我要有很多可爱的小孩
要找到真爱
要学好钢琴和吉他，最好还有大提琴
要挣很多钱，衣食无忧，可以经常旅行
要去欧洲，至少住3年，去所有有历史的地方
要去中东，耶路撒冷，麦加
要保持强健的体魄
做到不后悔
要保持和好朋友们的关系
要成为一个出色的dancer
用自己的交易算法，挣大钱
要体验用飞行器，滑翔伞飞行
要学会开飞机
要看遍最奇特，最有趣的建筑
要在北美或欧洲的西海岸，或者在上海/杭州定居
要用多余的时间和金钱，去提高中国的教育水平
消灭现金，消灭各种卡，让世界用移动设备和互联网联系起来
要再学会几门语言，目前考虑西班牙语和法语
再学会几门乐器，可以考虑大提琴
要去瑞士滑雪
去看最美的风景
把中国建设到真正强大，让大家不再受不应有的歧视
提高身边中国朋友的自身素质，让更多人能融入到一个multi-cultural的环境
恢复中国被污染的环境
用智慧，去创造财富
一辈子保持诚信
不做有损人格的事情
听让我感动的音乐，找到能一起欣赏的人
看很多震撼心灵的故事
死的对社会有所贡献
消灭中国的形式主义
常常和兄弟们相聚，不要断了联系
有很多不同背景，不同职业，不同年龄的朋友
找到另一半自己
创造一个全电子化的社会，消灭一切票据，钱，卡，ID等等繁琐的各种文件
去最宽最美的河里游泳
再尝试教书育人，培养人才
至少在闲暇时间里，做一个真正自由的人，想做什么，就做什么
时常都有时间，和家人，父母在一起
常常和朋友在一起
用智慧，为人类创造财富
不再有与人交谈的恐惧，跳水的恐惧，不敢尝试的恐惧
战胜自己，做更好的人，不去担心当“好人”带来的后果
创造出3D视觉的科技，让人可以真正“进入”另一个世界
直面死亡，接受父母会比自己先走的现实
让中国的“自主创新”不再只是一句口号
创造一个让好人感到安全，恶人感到危险的社会
创造一个公平的社会，公平的世界，让每一个孩子都有机会
要多读书，多听，多观察，多欣赏，修炼更多的艺术修养

当初你不爱我
你的声音是那么甜美
你的眼里充满了笑意
你的双手纤细温柔

后来你爱上了我
你的声音变得苦涩
你的眼里充满了泪水
你的双手僵硬干涸

这是多么的令人悲伤
因为爱使你变得
不再可爱

You loved me not：
your voice was sweet
Your eyes were full of laughter
your hands were tender.
And then you loved me：
your voice was bitter
Your eyes were full of tears
your hands were cruel.
Sad, sad that love should make you
Unlovable.

我曾乞求岁月匆匆
带走你明亮的双眼
你如桃花般娇嫩的皮肤
和你迷人的青春朝气

那样我就可以独自爱你
你也会在乎我的爱

岁月真的匆匆过了
带走了你明亮的眼睛
你如桃花般娇嫩的皮肤
和你迷人的青春朝气

可是我却不再爱你
也不再在乎你的爱

I craved the years would quickly pass
That you might lose
The brightness of your eyes, the peach-bloom of your skin,
And all the cruel splendour of your youth.
Then I alone would love you
And you at last would care.

The envious years have passed full soon
And you have lost
The brightness of your eyes, the peach-bloom of your skin,
And all the charming splendour of your youth.
Alas, I do not love you
And I care not if you care.

No matter how there were good times, bad times, and hard times, I have been in Canada for a year now.

Admittedly the last few months didn’t go very much as I expected. But that’s ok because unexpected happenings are of the greatest value.

What Canada, or the new world in general teaches me is that you should always keep trying, and know when to stop. This applies to almost everything too – study, ambition, job search and relationship.

See my girl, for example, if you are so perfect, how could I ever let you go? But if I didn’t love you, how could I ever lie to you, and even spend time with you? How could I, always looking for love and always so sensitive, be so cold without losing control?

What happened between us, you asked me. Why?

I stood there, unable to put any words into an answer, remain numbly composed, before crashed hard as ever for the one last time.

Piece by piece, each one of you took something from me.

When I reflect my life as I am older, when I am worn down from these niggling dramas, when I am left alone, or widowed, would I finally articulate the meanings of the passing years of my youth?

Would I be able to, by then, still keep a loving and gentle heart; to embrace all and the whole of everyone of you; to walk into your heart again, as you mine?

What would remain of me?

今天晚上和朋友吃完饭出来，本来打算到附近的LCBO买酒，之后一起到一个朋友家里小聚一下的。结果10:10到了门口，发现10点就已经关门，于是就只好各回各家各找各妈了。

之后在回家路上下了公车，不久便走到了朋友描述的那条如同“开飞机”一般的乡间公路上。

少许，旁边便没有东西了。除了很远的汽车引擎声，就只有我，头顶的星星，和无边的黑暗。

虽然只是初春，因为今年加拿大特别的暖和，就是到了晚上一个人走在荒野里面也不会觉得冷。

回想起来，冬天的时候曾经也一个人走在过这片荒地上，当时在路上，路边的草地、树上，都积满了前几天的雪。

那几天正逢雪下的特别大，我便踩上了大片大片的白雪，在无边的雪地里漫无目的的走。

然而今天的路上几乎什么也没有，除了偶尔路过的车声，就只有远处房子里的明灯在告诉我我还在有人间烟火的地方。

人的心中，总是对未知的世界有着好奇和恐惧吗？

沿着公路旁的人行道走了一会，远处办公楼里的灯亮了一些。

我打开了手电，仿佛看到在公路和办公楼之间的荒地上，渐渐出现了一条白色的地带。

起初我以为应该是那条河。

但是仔细看了以后又发现不像，因为河水不会是白色，也应该会反光。

那么会不会是还没化完的冰或者雪呢？如果说天气才热起来两天的话。

但是这个可能性也很快几乎被否定，毕竟现在已经是20几度的天气了，连我家门前被铲雪机铲起来三米高的雪都化完了。

因为远处办公楼的距离很远，楼里的灯光也无法照到那片白色；而那片地带的距离离我也很远，我看不清楚，手电也完全照不到。

就在这时，我突然明白了它出现的意义。我用手电照了照路边，跨过半人高的稻草，就又一次踏进了荒地里。

那是去年夏天，8月。刚到加拿大之后不久的我，仿佛重获了自由的囚犯，四处游走享受回归自然的乐趣。

有那么一天，中午饭后天气特别好，我就索性散步比平时散的远了一些，一路沿着学校边的Trans-Canada Trail一直向北。

根据Google Maps显示，Columbia Lake是一口活水，沿着南面湖水的出口沿湖边的trail一直向北，走过湖区之后北面就有一条流入的小河。

因为我的家在湖的另一侧，所以我的原计划曾是要找个河水比较窄的地方穿过小河，从荒地里走回家。

然后到了湖北面之后，经过了一片小树林，我发现河上似乎并没有铺设桥或者是可以供人穿过的小道。

而且更糟糕的是，河对岸不同于河这一侧的草地：对面长满的都是一人高的稻草，几乎看不到有可以通过的路。

但是因为已经走了这么远，也不想再走40分钟转回去，我只好还是打起精神走进了树林里，找到了一处水流比较浅又有些石块的地方，好半天才弄湿了鞋跨过了河。

起初过河以后似乎还有一条被人踩过的小路的痕迹，但是小路越走越窄，很快就被旁边扑面而来的麦草掩盖住了。

走了一会，实在是不能再向前了，我只好作罢。回到刚才过河的地方，差点没掉进河里，才好不容易的回到河这边，又慢慢走了回去。

—————————————————————

而今天，我心里只是想着那条河，向着眼前的那片白色，义无反顾的走了过去。

初春晚上的空气是有些温润的。但是由于荒地里的稻麦都已经被割走，四下微微还是有些凉意。但索性的是没有那些麦草的阻碍，我的脚步也轻快了很多。

我一个人在荒地上走着，越是靠近那片白色，越是感到一阵阵寒气袭来。

周围昆虫的叫声，远处有灯光，汽车开过的声音。他们看不到我，我也看不到他们。

越来越近了，我已经渐渐可以用手电照到我的眼前了。。。

天空中的星星很明亮，天蝎座盘踞在中央，北斗七星一如既往的指着北极星。

那片白色吸引着我，向着它一直走去。。。

那是河吗？我没听到河水的声音。

那是雪吗？不对，那是。。。

那是雾。

河水是雾的源头。白天蒸发的水汽，到了晚上，在冷空气里凝结成了雾气，开始向河边弥漫。

我停在这片白色的雾气前面，顿了一顿，明白了再往前等待着我的会是什么。

打开相机，留下了一张无法看清的黑色相片。今天看来又要到此为止了。

我转过身，向公路走去。

我会再回来的。

A man predicted my future.

Upon graduation, I would probably get a good job in a major city in North America.

Then naturally, soon I would get married, and settle down.

By the time we reach 30-35, we would have a nice house, one or two children, and all the accessories that come along.

Then someday somewhere, I would suddenly hold my head and go crazy while questioning myself: why am i doing all this?

I have a loving wife, beautiful children, a nice house, and a little dated but well-functioning car.

But what about me? What have I done with my life?

WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE??????????????????????????????????????